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Fly Me to the Moon

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Say, I’ve got a swell idea. Let’s move to the moon. If we get enough people to sign on to the idea, I know some builders who’d just jump on it. The land is cheap, for one thing. I mean real cheap! As in FREE. That means it’s even cheaper than those buck-an-acre lots they’re selling in those gutted-out counties in Upstate New York. You hear about buying “summer homes” up there in those depopulated cow counties. Or “retirement homes,” which somehow sounds even more desperate. People keep telling you how lucky they were to get in on the ground floor, and how Jerkwater America is a fantastic place to invest, particularly if you can invest only $54.

There are minor inconveniences, sure. but they’re no more serious or consequential than those notional flaws that used to send some “factory second” Milano cookies to the Pepperidge Farm Thrift Shops. Those Thrift Shop Milanos were perfectly yummy, and the only possible flaw I could think of was that maybe some of the wafers weren’t perfectly aligned with each other–but I was just guessing.

What kind of inconveniences do they have in the sticks? First thing you always hear is, there’s no sewage system. What a stupid objection. Who comes up with comments like this, the United Sewer Workers Union? Hey look, in most of small-town and rural America nobody has a sewage system. It’s really no big deal.You just put a concrete pit in the backyard and flush your toilet into it. It’s called a septic tank. Out there everybody has one.

What other drawbacks? Okay, you’ve got to drive thirty miles just to buy a pack of cigarettes. This may be true, but look. They’ve got Indian casinos a little further up the road, Indian casinos where you can buy whole cartons for about two dollars. And that’s not all you can do.

Anyway, back to the two dollars. Think about it! Two dollars a carton is less than they went for when Red Skelton was plugging Chesterfields on the NBC Blue Network in 1945.

Now let’s talk about jobs. There are no good jobs nearby. I won’t dispute it. But you can always find something within fifty or a hundred miles, if you really look hard. And remember how modest your needs are. You don’t need a job that pays a lot, because now you’re living rent-free. Rent-free? Hell, you’re mortgage-free! You just bought fifty-four acres of prime bottom-land along the Schloogadooga and New Ilium Barge Canal. It’s true you’re living in an old horse-trailer that you picked up for ten bucks at the Devon Horse Show, but that’s just temporary and anyway you don’t owe anything on it, and pretty soon you’ll be building the house, I mean The HOME, of Your Dreams.

Transportation? Sure, there isn’t any, except for driving your own car, and gasoline’s horribly expensive, but look, everybody’s suffering. We’re in this together. Everybody’s got to have a car, right? And driving two hours each way to work each day isn’t the end of the world. Millions of people in California and Georgia do it every day. End of the day, you come home to your horse-trailer and you’ve got fifty-four acres you can call your own.

Now let’s look at the positives. Look at the social environment. Real honest-to-God hardworking salt-of-the-earth rural folk. Old ladies who bake pies. Public schoolteachers who actually teach, instead of marching in Gay Lib parades. Kind of people you want to know. And they’re all nice-looking people too. Wholesome. None of those oddball sorts or racial types who come in and ruin a society.

That of course is what the local boosters mean when they tell you Hooterville is a great place to Raise Kids. You don’t have kids? Well, the principle still holds. You may have to drive fifty miles to the nearest shopping mall, but when you get there they won’t be playing gangsta-rap music.

But moving “up there” isn’t half as good as moving to the moon. The moon isn’t depopulated, it’s UNpopulated. It’s nice and clean and white. You think Broome County is clean and white? Wait till you see the moon.

Wait, you’ve seen the moon. Tell me if that wasn’t white!

What kind of people are on the moon? Well, no one just now, but who’s been there? People with names like Neil Armstrong, that’s who. Imagine a great big Wapokoneta, Ohio in the sky. That’s what we can build if we set our minds to it.

I guarantee you the schools will be good. Yes, like California in the 1950s, only a lot better, because it’s going to take a lot more than a generation for this neighborhood to go down the tubes. Trust me on this: Max and Minnie Gefiltefisch aren’t going to move in and bring in a swarm of underpaid illegal Mexican day laborers because: 1) Jews HATE Space–don’t ask me why, but they do; and 2) Mexicans don’t go anyplace where there isn’t already a critical mass of Mexicans. It took 150 years to build a critical mass of beaners in California, for crying out loud.

No, the moon will stay pristine and clean for generations, my friends. Generations!

Now. What about the logistics and expense? Mostly these are similar to what our friends in Upstate New York go through. High fuel costs, long distances. You’ve got to drive everywhere. Only on the moon the vehicles will be lot more complicated and expensive. And that’s just for short travel.

You won’t be going home to Schenectady for Thanksgiving every year, unh-uh. It’ll be worse than Australia.

Then there’s the issue of the HVAC system. You’ve got to have a good HVAC system. Just like Houston, the moon never has really good weather. You have to go from one climate-controlled environment to another, and never really enjoy the outdoors. And just like Seattle, when you DO go outdoors, the silhouette of your usual outerwear is really going to suck.

On the other hand, you just know the beer will be very very very very good.

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